In September 2020, I fractured by right tibea plateau in three places. I came off an obstacle awkwardly, landing so from the knee down was bent back, from the knee up was forward, and all my weight smashed into the top of that plateau that holds the weight of the rest of your body. What’s the big deal? Leg breaks happen. Unfortunately, the way it was broken meant it was different than just stick a boot on it and start walking in a few months. It made putting any weight on the knee a problem, messed up a whole bunch of muscles, and caused an endless series of problems and setbacks. Along the way was an unproductive surgery, many related injuries, lots of frustration and feelings of giving up. As recently as June 2023 I was having problems even running a mile. And as of October 2023, I wasn’t sure I’d ever run a 100-miler again.
In May 2023, I attempted the Infinitus 100-Mile race in Vermont’s Green Mountains. This is the recap I wrote afterwards.
I sometimes get asked why I do stuff like this. I get it: On the surface it doesn’t make sense. A lot of time spent in pain and suffering, and for what? Just a silly belt buckle or medal?
I originally got into these races just wondering if I could complete them. But they’ve become much more. Endurance events are one of the greatest teachers I’ve ever known.
It sounds crazy, but you realize your mind, your thoughts, your reactions aren’t necessarily “you.” A lot of it is evolutionary autopilot designed to keep you safe and comfortable. But that info isn’t always accurate or appropriate. When you learn to be aware of that, you can cultivate tools to help navigate those struggles. Tools that help in ultras. Tools that help in life.
Overwhelming frustration, moments of doubt, feelings of hopelessness, the discouragement of constant setbacks. And just trying to find a way to keep moving forward. Ultras are a metaphor for life. That was never more clear than these last almost four years.
When I was still hobbling at a point I had expected to be running again.
When after my first setback the ortho told me I was 50 and should probably find new hobbies. (FU, time to find a new doc…)
When my PT and surgeon were out of answers for why I was still having knee pain, and I had to either accept it or problem solve. (Answer: Find yourself an engineer-minded Becky who is obsessed with trigger points and finds the problem way up in the chain far from the knee. More on that another time.)
When I struggled with motivation and aches and pains, and felt tempted to give in to the gravitational pull of a culture that says it’s just part of getting old and you have to accept it.
When I started the new job that required a lot of sitting, and it became hard to find time to move and my fitness suffered, and I wondered if I’d just been a fraud. If I was wrong to think I could make it work.
When I’d start making progress only to hit another in a seemingly endless string of setbacks and feel overwhelmingly hopeless, including last June, less than a year ago, when I had a setback just doing a simple flat 2-mile walk in the woods and I gave up. Said the words out loud. And I did. For a couple of days. And then it was back to finding a way. Trying a different approach. Starting absurdly, frustratingly small, and forcing patience, painful patience, often the hardest thing both in life and ultras, just one slow step forward at a time.
At so many tough moments, I was able to equate what I was going through to a past experience in a race and how I dealt with it. If I hadn’t done ultras, I’m not sure how this would have gone.
As for the Infinitus 100, it was brutal and miserable. Lots of climbs and gnarly terrain. It felt slower than expected, more painful than expected. I spent much of it feeling frustrated and like a fraud. During the race I convinced myself I was done with these long races and this would be the last one I’d ever do.
But then I finished, and I made the mistake of talking to Mike who unfortunately gave me some valuable perspective on the race, where I’d come from, my lack of proper preparation, and, of course, some seeds of bad ideas for the future. Now, well, we’ll see…
ONE LAST THING: Surround yourself with people who uplift and inspire you. We live in a society where being physically active as you get older seems culturally inappropriate. It makes it easy to give up when the messages you constantly get is it happens to everyone. It doesn’t have to be like that. At TA Fitness Weymouth I have a community of people, many of similar age, who don’t get hung up on age. Just people who enjoy being active, having fun, seeking out challenges for themselves. Many times when I felt overwhelmed I was able to look around and see them getting after it and think to myself that there was still hope. They’ll never really know how much inspiration I drew from them these last few years.
